I genuinely don’t understand how people see social interaction as something beautiful or natural. To me it feels like pure obligation.
Even at work you are not really yourself. You are adjusting how you speak, how you act, and how you respond just to fit the role, satisfy your employer, and keep things smooth with colleagues. That constant switching can be exhausting.
Outside of work it does not feel that different. Conversations, replying, small talk, making plans, it can all feel more like maintenance than real connection.
And yeah, I can agree that most people are not fully themselves in these situations. Everyone is performing to some extent depending on the setting. The difference is some people find it normal while others find it draining.
Sometimes it feels like people are not actually enjoying it as much as they say, they are just used to it being the default way to live.
Maybe I am missing something but I do not see the beautiful part everyone talks about.
There’s a saying that goes “A burden shared is a burden halved. A joy shared is a joy doubled.”
Having a few close friends makes bad times suck less and good times even better.
Hard agree. But I’m autistic, and as far back as I can remember, I’ve avoided social interactions. My mom talks about how I happily played by myself as a toddler. I also remember a neighbor kid who seemed to call constantly to ask to play, and I turned her down over and again. (She eventually back-stabbed me, so don’t feel too bad for her.)
Some people legit like to be around others. Some people can’t stand the thought of spending time alone at all. Everyone’s built differently. For me, it takes a special kind of person to make me want to socialize with them (almost always other neuro-divergent folks, where I can “remove the mask” so to speak.)
Human beings are social animals. They need social interaction to survive. Being isolated is recognized as a form of torture. Interactions being draining is often a consequence of contingent societal factors rather than an essential property of interaction itself.
Social interaction is enjoyable and a requirement for a social species. The fact that so many people in this thread are depressed, dejected and lonely is really sad. Despair is not a sustainable life strategy. Please if you are unable to find joy in social interaction find a community you do enjoy and start to be a part of that because the alternative is withering and death.
ITT: introverts (I’m one too)
People who are extroverted genuinely feel exactly the opposite of what you’re describing, being in a social situation is relaxing/easy for them, and being alone is what’s draining. I could go on and on about capitalist alienation and modern isolation and those are definitely factors but IMO the introvert/extrovert split predates the economic system, the main thing now is that if you don’t like dealing with people instead of being a hermit you spend ages on the Internet.
You may want to get tested for autism, speaking from experience, I always found this weird and I thought everyone must be experiencing the same they just won’t say anything about it but nope lol they enjoy that shit
Be free and allow yourself to not do things by pure obligation, we have all different preferences, be kind to yourself first.
+1 for socially required
You will feel like this until you do two things:
- Understand what you like, only you. Not your parents, not your siblings, not your friends, just you. It could be things considered unusual where you live, such as “salmon fishing in the Yemen.”
- Find people who enjoy the same things as you.
You do not have to dedicate your time to people you neither like nor have anything in common with.
I enjoy many social interactions.
Went to a concert this weekend. Chatted with the person running the merch table. Briefly chatted with a rando at the bar. Was nice.
Went to a party this weekend. Had a nice chat with some people I’d met before. Maybe came on kind of strong to the socialists in one conversation, but it was fun.
Lemmy probably isn’t going to get you a representative sample of people.
Even if you have bad mental health consequences interacting with ppl (in all or just select ways, eg groups above 3), you also get bad mental health consequences without socialising (that works over longer periods and can be bad), it’s just how our bodies function. So if longevity is something of interest, then socializing is a must afaik.
Regarding all forms of communication - they are all limited at all times, only you have the context & pov of you. And still speech is one of humanity’s greatest achievements simply bcs it’s so much better at quick or detailed conveying of shitposts.
Performing and masking is just part of the interaction bcs regardless of socializing need we are very individual creatures (tho that could be part of society/culture), ie I might be motivated into you liking me so I filter, preform, mimic, etc what I think will get me that result - not as a manipulation necessarily, but as a limitation of how individuals can interact with each other.
even if the ‘real’ you is just the one who is fashioning the ‘masks’, which masks you wear and their details says everything about the ‘reality’ underneath. The masks are there to obscure our faces from ourselves as much as for the social other
Yeah, but I meant masking as wiki/Masking_(behavior):
In psychology and sociology, masking, also known as social camouflaging, is a defensive behavior in which an individual conceals their natural personality or behavior in response to social pressure, abuse, or harassment. Masking can be strongly influenced by environmental factors such as authoritarian parents, social rejection, and emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.
It’s the thing that we all use to an extent as a means to even be able to communicate - eg I might make eye contract & some hand gestures bcs that facilities a conversation, bcs if I don’t do that ppl will add to their understanding of our conversation that I am being dishonest (and not merely a bit less neurotypical).
It’s “skills” we develop growing up bcs we were told or deduced from environment that certain things should be a certain way in order to even communicate. Some things might be ez, some take a huge toll.
If you mean masks like direct lying or manipulation beyond facilitating a convo (an exchange of ideas), that is not what I meant.
It’s like getting to speak the same language basically, a set of basic prerequisites.Normal masking helps you have, sustain, and help a relationship, we have a bit different needs & preferences. It’s not about hiding stuff, I directly tell ppl I’m faking eye contract, but ppl still need it anyway.
Lying, eg telling (core conversational) stuff that isn’t true, is different, that is just shitty. And yes, you can tell what the underlying personality wants to get out of that manipulation. (And yes, that is humanity.)
But if I can’t have a normal conversation with a new friend or eg someone I need to interact with (eg a store employee) than I just get left out of society & need help.
what i’m getting at is, your social disguise is going to mostly be effective on people who rely on appearances to judge the interior quality of things (including people). You will turn away high quality people who can see through your disguise, and to retain around you people who either can’t tell between you and the mask or don’t care. It’s a good survival strategy but not a good way to find deeper, worthy relationships.
If i wanted to be a little more cryptic and spooky about it i’d say something like ‘there is no ‘real’ you under the masks, it’s just masks on top of masks all the way down, the stack of masks in a literal sense is the reality of you.’
Lol, “high quality people”, that’s inventing classes & intolerance where it’s not needed.
So if I speak a language the other party doesn’t know (even tho I know their language & can speak it) I’ll be able to get a good thing going?
Social disguise does not exclude being completely honest. That is a separate thing!
Also you think ppl are dumb & can’t differentiate between social masking & what the words that I’m speaking mean?
I connect well with ppl listening to the meaning I try to convey, it’s way harder with ppl that take your social vibe into consideration (bcs now I have to modulate that as well as my words to get the same meaning across).You will turn away high quality people who can see through your disguise . . .
The “disguise” as you call it isn’t a secret, it’s meant to be understood & looked-through. That’s how all deeper relationship work bcs even what you would call “no disguise” (which imho isn’t a thing bcs we learn cultural norms, we aren’t born with them) works just as a disguise bcs the limits of communication are just so vast.
i think we are in agreement
I’ve been reading some of these other replies and my input is that to me you sound depressed / burnt out. I do not say that as a psychologist or therapist, if you want that diagnosis you’d have to talk to a certified one; however, the times in my life I have been more depressed the more I agree with this sentiment and the less I’ve been depressed the less I agree.
I’d also like to remind you that you are asking this on Lemmy, which means a lot of responses you’ll get here are from a certain nerdy, shut-in type. I say this because people here are likely to agree already, which is good for sympathies but not for answering your actual question.
When people say they enjoy being social, they are not lying (with caveats). Most healthy people have at least a couple of relationships they deeply value, and if you’re missing that I think it’s worth continuing to meet people even if it’s a lot of effort.
Work-wise though, yeah people are mostly lying there. There’s a much stronger insentive structure to lie.
I want to reiterate you should look into whether you’ve got burnout or depression, especially given the current climate. Those both have a way of draining enjoyment from seemingly unrelated things, relationships usually being one of the first.
Maybe I am missing something but I do not see the beautiful part everyone talks about.
You gotta find people who “speak your language”. It’s a massive fucking bummer to always be second guessing myself around some neurotypical people but with my partner or friends I just love being with them?
I can actually be myself with my partner, and my friends are way more understanding of the way I communicate than the general public. That’s why we are friends, because we enjoy spending time with each other!
Most of my friends are through shared interests. Those come with the built-in bonus of generally being task oriented and time limited so I can try and avoid over extending myself. It’s also okay to head out when you aren’t feeling it anymore. No one wants to feel like an obligation.
I need a lot of time by myself, especially now that I am turbo burnt out. But I do think it’s important to have some kind of connection just so one doesn’t become too disconnected. If something comes up and you need to do a socializing it’s a lot easier if you’ve been socializing on your own terms.
Plus, it’s nice to take care of each other.
Are you not interacting with us socially here? If you don’t enjoy it why are you here.
Online and in person are two completely different things
Different forms of social interactions, sure. But it is still a form of social interaction.
To me it feels like pure obligation.
it is if you don’t enjoy it.
i find it draining & depressing so i don’t do it outside of work and it makes people angry at me for not engaging.
it also makes collectivizing next to impossible for me.
