There was this mommy blogger in the early aughts who decided to have an “unassisted birth”, which is a thing where you just don’t have any medical care at all. She pontificated often about Big Obstetrics and how they always pushed you for C section because they got paid more, she called midwives “medwives”, and all sorts of other crunchy shit like that. She clearly was not terribly confident but was terribly obnoxious and holier than thou. Fine. I think she had NPD or BPD because of her behaviour personally. Just the nastiest person. She did all her own pregnancy care, which apparently was just writing weight down and taking vitamins and that’s about it.

Well at 33 weeks she went ripping into early labour, phoned her old midwife and while telling her quite rudely that she wanted an unassisted birth also asked her what to do. The midwife told her to go to ER and that she couldn’t help her because it was out of her scope. So she went screaming to ER, could feel baby sitting right at the perineum. The OB takes a look and tells her they have to do a section because baby is breech and obstructed. She began screeching at him that she only wanted to have a vaginal birth and told him he was “birth raping” her, and acted like a hysterical hyena. He managed to convince her how bad things were and that she needed to be delivered RIGHT NOW, and she finally consented and they took her up, and put her under general anesthesia.

She later wrote this vague blog birth story, baby had died because of congenital defects before she woke up, and she wrote a very long set of blog posts about All The Ways The Hospital Was Wrong without really going into why her baby died, and everyone fell all over themselves pitying her and telling her that she was so right about everything. She blogged about how the nurses were so terrible for trying to connect her with social work or grief groups, and when they offered her medication to dry up her breast milk she screeched that they were not supportive of her breastfeeding her 3 year old.

But later on the story came out that baby had a rare condition called sirenomelia, or mermaid syndrome it’s sometimes called. It’s a birth defect where the legs are fused together into the appearance of a mermaid tail. They have a lot of other defects, including no kidneys, no genitals, heart defects, etc. Sirenomelia is caused by untreated gestational diabetes. So not having prenatal care probably killed her child. That was damn deceptive, making everyone pity her when it was just her own obnoxious ignorance.

I go to church now for the last few years so I’ve retrained my choice of words to a degree so not to offend, but I still curse loudly.

The dog and the cat came in at the mid point and sat down next to the bed and watched us like we were an episode of Wild Animal Kingdom and it was a mating scene, I swear to god the cat looked amused. I could no longer concentrate.

Fax machines. Government and medical offices would grind to a halt without them. That’s just reality.

I own nothing white for that reason.

All the time.

“Everything you want in life has teeth”, by the writer Jonathan Carroll. I believe it means that everything you pursue will hurt you in some way.

His solo albums are fantastic!

Their adopted son claims they abused him. It honestly sounds a touch suspect, and they claim he’s an addict and trying to extort money, but the South African CPS actually paid them a visit regarding their other kids. And an artist named Danny Brown claims that Ninja sexually pawed him at a night club, and another girlfriend of Ninja claimed he abused her too.

Ninja and Yo-Landi are definitely sketchy, apparently South Africans don’t really like them at all, but I think some of this is untrue.

I still like Die Antwoord even though they’ve become Wildly Problematic. Those videos are an absolute mind bending experience.

Absolutely. I saw them live a million times in the 90s. I got pelted with Kraft Dinner more times than I can count.

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, every single time. He has walked across the audience and the seats to hold hands with me and sing together, he has chased me through the audience onto the stage, and every time he comes on the stage it’s like someone has released an exotic panther from a crate or something. It’s like going to church with the devil himself preaching.

I spend a lot of time mulling this over, since my therapist thinks that both my SO and MIL have malignant narcissism.

What I can say about both of them is that they really find doing emotionally disruptive things absolutely vital to their lives. MIL likes to pit her kids against each other so she can watch them fight, and she smiles like a vampire who just had a delicious blood feast when she sees it. Her only grandchild develops an eating disorder? Nothing will do but to run out and buy her some size XXL pyjamas to make her feel worse. Everything for her is a provocation and meant to trigger a negative reaction, because that’s what she gets off on. It’s beyond being an asshole, it’s pathological and emotionally disturbing.

My SO, one of the biggest examples is the gifts he buys me. They’re usually highly thoughtful and unique, but they’re also really for him (it’s several times been a piece of art), and part of it is so he can take pictures of them for Instagram and display his fine taste in things to everyone. If I tried to move out and take those things with me, he’d probably break my arm. Nothing is really a gift with him, it’s just a way for him to get himself something he can show off with. Or he’ll spend a long time taking pictures of things we’ve bought on trips just to show what interesting and unique tastes he has and how therefore he’s better than anyone else. It’s really tone deaf and it really reflects how he doesn’t actually enjoy anything, but rather what doing something or buying something will help to elevate his status in his mind. It’s tiresome and tone deaf. It isn’t that I don’t like the gifts, but the whole point is that they’re not really gifts at all, and my birthday or whatever is just an excuse to acquire something that makes him feel important. He really has no friends, and I think this is a desperate way to make the few people who try to be nice to him at least superficially on social media think he’s important, but really nobody can stand him beyond the superficial.

I think an asshole would just not be bothered with anything so deliberately manipulative, but just be really careless with your feelings and react badly when they get angry. I think that’s the difference is the deep rooted pathological nature of it.

Treatable is an optimistic way to describe it. My therapist friend says it’s virtually like starting from scratch with every session she does with a borderline, they’re super resistant to treatment and have very poor insight.

No offense at all. This was beautiful and thank you for reminding me.

On the outside yes haha. I think she stopped taking it after that. And it’s the only one that works for me either. It’s just so weird!

He had redeeming qualities but he is always a manipulator and liar under it all. I really should have left long ago. He seems different than typical douchy men in that he’s progressive at least as a front, but he’s said some racist shit to me in private when in a rage that speaks the truth to who he is, despite liking black history, etc. I keep thinking about his mother lately who I haven’t seen in over 20 years, and the weird things she would do to pit her kids against each other, and dismay people by giving them gifts of literal trash. You know when people ask what the worst Christmas gift you ever got was? She would give me her very used bathrobe and other things that would be literally garbage to anyone else, that she had picked up off the ground, simply so people would be disturbed and provoked by her. She wore mosquito netting to her daughter’s outdoor wedding because West Nile was an issue that year, and is smirking in all the pictures under it. My therapist calls this malignant narcissism, and while he doesn’t give gifts of trash, instead he’ll buy me something that’s really unique and thoughtful, but if you understand the subtext it really all belongs to him, and it’s so he can post pictures on Instagram to display his fine taste in things. If I moved out and tried to take those things with me, it would quickly become clear who they really belong to. I basically own my clothes, books, and toiletries, and everything else is his. It’s partly why I can’t move out.

I wish I had had children. But not with him. I would have liked to foster kids, I would be very good at that. I hold babies and kids at church all the time and will babysit their kids, and it’s so much fun for me. I wish I had taken a different pathway. I grew up with a BPD mom, who is really dangerous and vicious and manipulative, and my therapist says when you’ve been traumatized by a parent like that, someone who is similar will seek you out and try and make it seem like they’ve rescued you.

I’m just sorry it all turned out this way. The rest of my life is reasonably happy if quiet, but this is a huge thing.

He told me I was a deceptive little cunt and accused me of withholding money from my paycheck; one of my paychecks per month is smaller than the other simply because it’s the one my benefits and union dues come out on. I’ve worked there 20 years, and this pay pattern has always been this way. I have no idea where this psychosis suddenly came from. I have never hidden money in my life and would never. I think he got this idea because I do surveys for money, managed to save a lot of money to go clothes shopping, and I think he just couldn’t believe I made that much. I’m just tenacious. I’ve made thousands doing this. It’s super weird.

I should have left when his mother treated me like trash the first time I met her and ever since, and when I found out he lied to me when we first met in that he didn’t tell me he was in a relationship, or when he smashed the fish tank, or ran over a squirrel just to upset me, or any number of things. And I’m so financially fucked I can’t do anything.

I don’t think I’ll ever have a relationship ever again even if I get out of this. How could I trust anyone? I don’t blame you for not doing it. It’s so much work and so hard.

Ambien is a weird drug under any name and I’ve done some weird shit on it, but otherwise I’d never go to bed. My friend decoupaged her dishwasher with subway maps on Ambien one night.

It’s ok,I know what you mean. I would honestly rather not have sex anymore because of my circumstances being very difficult, but if I met someone who was interesting and read books and listened to music and dressed well, and took an interest in me and was happy to see me and make an effort to get to know me, and if he was 20 years younger than me, sure why not? As long as he was a good listener about how I like to do it, because I’m different than other women in how I like to get off.

But this man has overall been a disaster for me, masquerading as someone good, but just really cut from the same cloth as his malignant narcissist mother, which is pretty bad. He accused me tonight of some things that were pretty ugly, and that’s hard. I’d love to spend some time with someone who actually seemed to like me all of the time. I’m writing this while on my Ambien so it’s hard to articulate.

I’m ok with the age. I looked through some of my high school alumni group Facebook page tonight, and i look positively youthful compared to some of my classmates. 50 feels just right to me. And my bewbies still turn heads, I wore a super low cut plunging neckline dress to a restaurant last summer that is practically down to my navel, this ridiculous resort garb dress, and this one guy next to me with another woman couldn’t help but take a long lingering look down my happy valley. And I didn’t mind, because I looked good and I knew it.

Same. I’ll just block and move on. But I really haven’t gotten them here. But other social sites I don’t even reply.